while I was pregnant...

While I was pregnant with Mason, I was detached from what was really growing inside of me. I didn't want to get too close for fear of something going wrong. There are some things in your life (losing a parent or child) that can bring you down to your knees - I am frightened of those moments and choose not to prepare for them. 

We found out we were pregnant on New Year's Day and instead of being happy I was scared.  I remember I took somewhere in the range of 25 pregnancy tests during that first month and was relieved at every plus sign that I was still in fact pregnant.  I couldn't imagine or deal with not being pregnant after finding out - this is something I needed to be, even though I lived in fear of what it really meant.  I was at a point where every time someone announced on social media that they were pregnant, a part of me was happy for them, but the other part was devastated that it was not me.  

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