While I was pregnant with Mason, I was detached from what was really growing inside of me. I didn't want to get too close for fear of something going wrong. There are some things in your life (losing a parent or child) that can bring you down to your knees - I am frightened of those moments and choose not to prepare for them.
We found out we were pregnant on New Year's Day and instead of being happy I was scared. I remember I took somewhere in the range of 25 pregnancy tests during that first month and was relieved at every plus sign that I was still in fact pregnant. I couldn't imagine or deal with not being pregnant after finding out - this is something I needed to be, even though I lived in fear of what it really meant. I was at a point where every time someone announced on social media that they were pregnant, a part of me was happy for them, but the other part was devastated that it was not me.
Trying to get pregnant, at least for me, was a life consuming process, especially at my age when the biological clock is actually ticking. It is also a process that I discussed with very few people, so I was completely consumed by something that I could only confide in my husband and close friends about. You want to talk to everyone about it and get all the advice you can, but I couldn't. I've never been able to talk openly about things I can't control the outcome of. I didn't want to feel the pity if it never happened for us.
We tried for for a few months and were successful in the month that I splurged for the fancy digital ovulation test. Coincidence? who knows, but I'm going back to that exact test when we try for baby #2 (which my husband has not quite agreed to yet :)
While I was pregnant, we called him Bobart - I was so clueless to how real he was. I did everything I was supposed to do - I only ate Brie once...which I could eat every day if you let me. We had the baby showers and stuff started to pour in. Getting the nursery together for the baby was a project I loved as the house we moved into a year before was no longer in need of my interior design skills.
I remember I couldn't visualize Mason as a real baby - maybe because I have never been around babies that much before, so I couldn't even imagine how cute and sweet he could be. I loved when he kicked because it reminded me that he was there and ok.
While I was pregnant, I didn't take photos of my belly or have a maternity shoot. I didn't let people wait on me hand and foot because I was with child. I took it easier than normal but pretty much lived the same life except for the ravenous need for yellow mustard and falling asleep on the couch at 8pm in the 1st trimester. It was a very easy pregnancy. I truly didn't understand the magnitude of what was about to happen.
I'll never forget when we found out it was a boy - I was determined it was a girl and wanted them to check again. I only did the 3D ultrasound so I could have proof again it was a boy before I decorated the room navy and white. It only takes one story of someone telling you they had a girl when they were told it was a boy to induce massive fear in choosing non-returnable gender specific clothing and nursery items.
While I was pregnant, I had no idea how much I could love him, I had no idea how sweet he would be, I had no idea how much he would need me, I had no idea how much my life would change. Everyone told me, but I had no idea.